I am staying.

Dear readers, how have you been?

It’s been years since I last posted here. I was 17 or 18 back then, I am now 23 years old.

A lot has changed over the past years especially the digital media. It gives such an emotional roller coaster ride looking back from where the blogging community had been.

I know some of you were still consistent in writing and posting; but most importantly, I know your write ups have improved drastically! Hell, I bet it is so easy for you to write about just anything now. And I am happy for you! I’m glad you stayed.

For all bloggers like me who stopped writing for a while; I hope you’re doing fine. “Life happens!” There have been winnings and losses, births and deaths. We may have stopped holding pens and papers, we may have wasted our time scrolling on our phones, we may have felt we lost the ability to write, to ponder, to observe; I hope we can take back that urge to type, to express our emotions courageously, to let ourselves be US.

I know there is a voice at the back of our head saying, “I hope I stayed.”

I hope we stayed.

But I am here now, and I will stay.

It was dusk. I saw you approaching the door of Mamusa, lips painted with a smile. You seemed unbothered by your sweaty polo shirt and heavy backpack. Beads of sweat trickled down your cheeks; I sensed the exhaustion, but I didn’t see it in your eyes.

Your presence that Sunday night (3 years ago), right after your internship, was unnecessary. Yet you showed up with eager excitement; for the art, for the crowd, or maybe just for me. After long school days of expressing your fondness for me,

it was in that moment, I knew.

Art by Marrz Capanang.

Few photos I took during the photo shoot of Mr. and Ms. Iloilo City Student Assistant Association ❤

Iloilo City’s 3rd Pride March

I was heading home that Friday afternoon after a long, tedious obligations in school. The crowd alongside the busy and noisy highway were occupied by the thought of getting into jeepneys before the dark could catch up with the road. Some people were perspiring to a great degree, others were incessantly looking at their watch and there were those belonging much in the Generation Z who were engrossed with their phones, consuming their time while waiting for other vehicles to arrive.

Human beings are too absorbed with their priorities that they seem to have forgotten there is still beauty in this world, just not taken seriously. The sky was crimson that day. It was too unique, too noticeable for appreciative people like me. Something flashed into my mind while looking up at that beauty. The next day will be the third Pride March of Iloilo City. I wanted to witness how it is celebrated. For sure there is a lot of fun, and colors. Lucky enough my fancy was obtainable.

This year’s Pride March, happened on the 13^th of October was spearheaded by Iloilo Pride Team and according to Project Iloilo, this event was supported and attended by around 2,000 people from different organizations and locale of Iloilo. This is the third year of Pride March in Iloilo and undeniably, the largest. The registration was held at the University of the Philippines-Visayas, commenced by a parade and lingered at Festive Walk Iloilo where a stage was set up for prepared performances like lip-synching and pageant. The event did not just finished by an awarding. The Prism Nightlife, a party venue located at Smallville, Complex Iloilo, offered a free entryway for people who joined the Pride March. They just have to show their pictures in the said event to the sentinel of the nightclub.

Out of the closet and into the streets” shouted by students from UPV Samasa were stuck in my mind as we joined the march along with them. I was with my two other classmates and my Editor-in-Chief, the reason why I got to attend there. The event is to be described with the words vogue, vibrant and of course, love. This occasion embraces the hashtag #PRIDEisPROTEST, as you would look for social media platforms. It is indeed a very fulfilling experience to be part of that promenade.

When I came home, tired of walking and somewhat running, I slumped on the couch and turned on my camera. I criticize the photos I took in the parade and what really caught my attention was ensemble of the rainbow community who were cross dressing and proudly walking, waving and flaunting their outfits on the streets. Living in a Christian nation, with over 86% of Roman Catholic, people like them never really get to attain this kind of freedom every day. Based on the article by ULifeline, LGBT struggles in dealing with other people and being themselves. The pressure from their family and discrimination from folks in their community can put them at greater risk for emotional health struggles like depression, anxiety, substance abuse and even suicide.

But that day was theirs. They own half of the road. They look so untroubled and of course, optimistic. I hope someday, those who are still hiding in the closet will be comfortable in revealing their true colors. Someday, they will feel safe even in their own households. With this kind of events, the heartaches and emotional struggles of some members of the LGBT are somehow eased. Pride March is celebrated worldwide and people are rejoicing that somewhere in this world, they are never alone.

 

(Author’s note: All photos were originally taken by me.)

Your younger self-who can be as balky and stubborn as the most cantankerous three-year-old-is not impressed by words. Like a native of Missouri, it wants to be shown. To arouse its interest, we must seduce it with pretty pictures and pleasurable sensations- take it out dining and dancing as it were. Only in this way can Deep Self be reached.

– STARHAWK, Theologian

No matter what your age or your life path, whether making art is your career or your hobby or your dream, it is not too late or too egotistical or too selfish or too silly to work on your creativity. One fifty- year-old student who “always wanted to write” used these tools and emerged as a prize-winning playwright. A judge used these tools to fulfill his lifelong dreams of sculpting. Not all students become full-time artists as a result of the course. In fact, many full-time artists report that they have become more creatively rounded into full-time people.

– The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

A photo of me with sir Marrz Capanang during his exhibit in Gallery I at Iloilo City.

“It’s dusk, dearest. (In passing, isn’t dusk a lovely word? I like it better than twilight. It sounds so velvety and shadowy and . . . and . . . dusky.) In daylight I belong to the world . . . in the night to sleep and eternity. But in the dusk I’m free from both and belong only to myself . . . and you. So I’m going to keep this hour sacred to writing to you.”

– Anne of Windy Poplars, The Anne of Green Gables Novels #4 by L. M. Montgomery

There is too much I want to say to you; too much I would like you to know. You’re my most favored soul. You are too much, too special; I am the lesser kind. I used to hope to spend a day with you, it would not be enough, but.. even just a day. In that time, it would be a perfect timing.

I used to.

They say ‘time heals all wounds.’ I did let time slipped away. I stopped and ignored my hopes grasping to that theory that someday, everything will just fall perfectly into place.

But times have passed and my hope seems to fall out, seems to fade out. I think it’s the new normal. We should not follow the norms, other people’s theories, because I guess.. everything gets blurry when ignored for too long. People move the fuck on and leave the pieces behind. We don’t wait anymore. We don’t have to wait anymore.

There is no perfect timing.

Bouquet of Photographs

I am a morning person. I always was and always will be. I wake up everyday even before the alarm clock of my sister rings. I checked on my Facebook and as I scrolled through my timeline, I came across Efjay Deleon’s photography page (visit http://www.efjaydeleon.com/, he has a great profile), I looked at the photos and wonder ‘will I ever be one of those brides in a puffy white dress, in full-covered make up and being photographed or will I be the one behind the camera?’

There is a lot that could happen to one person every single day. Amazing how each steps that we take could lead us to a bigger, unexpected, facet of life. Wedding; the most awaited and hoped by most people, I think especially women. As a born Christian, surrounded by traditional people, I could say that “for us”, marriage is the most intimate of human relationships because it is a gift from God.

I saw a thousand pictures of wonderful people, enjoying and living their union, a path of togetherness for life. Their faces lit with a sheer enchantment in a split second — the kind that happens once in a blue moon in every human’s life. I felt glad about it until my friends and I have seen an actual pre-wedding shoot. Coincidentally, we were just wandering here and there until we ended up in a bridge (taking photos and appreciating sunset) just near where I live.

The feeling is.. unexplainable. To be honest, I don’t really mind the subjects of the shoot. I didn’t care that the soon-to-be-bride has a long white gown that reaches the ground or that her soon-to-be-husband is handsome. What made me feel different than normal are the people who are behind the camera. The videographer, the director, the hair and make-up artists, even the ones who hold the lights and personal assistants.

A question came to me, “What are they feeling?” I want to be like them. I want to be with them. I want to have this kind of team.

An idea popped into my mind. As I recalled one of the many philosophical and spiritual lessons that Sir Arjun Marapon said to us, “Just believe that you will achieve your dreams and you’re already halfway there.”

As I said earlier, marriage is the most “intimate” of human relationships.  And by marriage, it meant being with the other person, maybe being with your soulmate. But as a wild nineteen-year old soul, I am too tied up in my own freedom, having in my vocabulary that it does not matter (idc) whether I get married someday or not, to have my own children or not. I am free in too many ways but my attachment to people are limited. I am too reserved for most to know my under-the-water-iceberg-thoughts.

When seeing posts of wedding photographs or videos, I reacted to it, even share it. I know some people might think, “this girl is too hopeful to have one someday.” Yes, I hope to have one someday; a wedding team.

When I think about wedding, I am not imagining me holding a bouquet of flowers.

When I think about wedding, I imagine myself holding a camera.