Midterm is just two days away. There are still projects to be passed; project that hasn’t yet finished.. project that hasn’t yet started. I also need to start studying though. But how can I study if I haven’t written any notes in my notebook? Urgh. I’m too tired and lazy these days. I mean, always. Procrastination every minute and in every corner of my life. I don’t know why am I like this. Things last year were too different. I too, was different. It’s strange how a lot of things could change within just a year.
Last year, before midterm, I cried. Not because I was afraid of exams but because I missed my friends. High school best friends. They are the only people that were making me smile despite the hardships that I am facing. Last year, I still haven’t known whom to trust with my college classmates. It had already been three months yet I was still adjusting. I always asked myself, “Am I really for this course? Do I really belong with this group? What if the answer for both of my questions was NO?” I cried. A lot. I still can remember.
I became studios. I turned my attention to studying rather than just cry because of sepanx and the feeling of not belonging. My high-school friends wouldn’t always be there for me. They have their own lives to live, and I guess in most moments, I wouldn’t be included in their priorities. And in my college classmates, I don’t need to be attached to them. If they like me, well thank you. If they don’t, who cares.
All I had was myself. I have needed to be brave.
Days, months, have passed. Midterm, Finals for my 1st year in college, were over. I knew in myself I did well. I have been one of the cream of the crops. I received a medal during Parangal and I’ve been a member of Studiositas.
Some were partying. While I was alone in my room, studying. They laughed at the jokes of their friends. I cried by myself while walking home alone. Last year, I have the most lonely days of my life. Yet I have gained a lot from those lonely moments. I became better in acads, I used to appreciate the magic of silence.
I am now a 2nd year college. I somehow opened up myself to those people whom I thought I shouldn’t trusted. I learned to laughed out loud, I learned to speak up, I learned to love the loud beats of music. I learned to make myself happy.. and to party, but I always disappoint myself for now having low scores in quizzes and exams. For sure, low grades after this midterm.
Also, in everything that I have learned in this 2nd phase, I have already forgotten the things that used to be my only comfort LAST YEAR.
Do grades really matter? Most people would ask.
I don’t know what to answer with that question.
All I know is that, grades have been good to me while I was lonely and struggling. Now that I’m happier and more lively, my grades are Going Down For Real 😂
I am afraid. Of the changes. Maybe I couldn’t make it this year to be an Academic Awardee. How about my mom? My friends? My family? They’re glad and mostly used, of seeing me receiving a medal and/or a certificate.
But how about me? Should I give up my current happiness? Should I bring back my old lonely self to be one of the top again?
Last year was different from this year.
My grades last year were better, but I was lonely, almost crying.
My grades are GDFR this year, but I am still smiling.
Which year is better?
Do grades really matter?
I still don’t know what to answer.