Verboten

Every day I asked myself these questions:

Until when will I stop hoping?

Until when will I stop assuming?

Until when will I stop pretending?

Until when will I hurt myself?

Until when will I suffer this pain?

Until when should I love him?

When can I escape?

Questions that are always repeated. Unending. Mind-altering.

I just can’t fathom why I cannot find answers to my own queries no matter how hard I think. I’d been asking myself about it every minute, everyday, for months.. until I got impatient of waiting.

Why would I still waste my dear time asking myself if it was pretty obvious that my questions will forever remain unanswered?

But one day it just crossed my mind that maybe there is no way out to this. That in lieu of escaping, I just need to survive. And there is no other choice.

I cannot unlove him.

I. Cannot.

Maybe the only way and the only thing to do is to just keep on loving him. To keep on hoping, assuming and pretending that we can still work out. That there is “us” that still exists.

Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe we were meant to be. He is meant to hurt me. I am meant to love him.

To love him still by-and-by with all these raging storms and lightnings that is almost killing me, and that keeps him alive and strong.

I need to hold on to survive. Because if I let go, I would be the one to kill myself.

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